More clean humor

1943 · February-25-14 08:02

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Goatpacker · February-25-14 20:02

That's funny right there!!!

boone123 · February-25-14 22:02

1943..
That WAS funny.

OV-1D · February-26-14 03:02

Very , very good 1943 thats the tops hahahaha .

bujeezus · July-01-14 12:07

bwaaahahahahahaa!!!

bud · July-07-14 08:07

Good idea !

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-***.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
Old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

OV-1D · July-07-14 11:07

My sentiments exactly , well put .

Goatpacker · July-07-14 12:07

Very Well put, don't forget that at our age we would not be getting out expecting someone to pay for our college either.

bud · July-08-14 13:07

Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Remington 30.06
right in my doorway. I left 6 shells beside it, then left it alone
and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail,
the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked
her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign
near the front of our house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it. It hadn't moved itself outside. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the
numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it
hadn't even loaded itself.

Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people.

Either the media is wrong or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in
the world.

The United States is 3rd in Murders throughout the World. But if
you take out Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC and New Orleans, the
United States is 4th from the bottom for Murders.

These 4 Cities also have the toughest Gun Control Laws in the United States. All 4 are controlled by Democrats.

It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data - right?

Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat.

RogueTS1 · July-08-14 14:07

Well said. I tell every person afraid of guns that states they are dangerous that If I lay a loaded gun on the table and nobody touches it, that I promise them it will not shoot anybody. I tell them that it will sit there harmlessly until I or somebody else picks it up. Guns do not kill people, it is the people handling them that kill people.

Goatpacker · July-08-14 21:07

Well that about says it all. It does not matter what I would have to add to it because the media would just distort what is being said to use it to make a horrific story that most liberals love listening to.

bud · October-07-14 11:10

I think we now all qualify for this advice. Welcome to 70 young!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from
Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom
window.

George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is
someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are
breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All
patrols are busy, you should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when
one is available"

George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds
ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I just shot and killed
them both; the dogs are eating them
right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a
SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence, and
caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George,

"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said

there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

Don't mess with old people
A few chuckles for seniors.
GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen

phoned her doctor's

office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication

you prescribed has to be taken

for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor
told her.

There was a moment of silence

before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then,

just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

***********************

An older gentleman was

on the operating table

awaiting surgery

and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon,

perform the operation.

As he was about to get the
anesthesia, he asked to speak
to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son;

do your best,

and just remember,

if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me,

your mother

is going to come and

live with you and your wife...."

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point

when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say
"you don't look that old."

---------------------------------

The older we get,

the fewer things

seem worth waiting in line for.

(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------

One of the many things

no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change

from being young.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.

*********

First you forget names,

then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up
your zipper... it's worse when

you forget to pull it down.

````````````````

Two guys, one old, one young,

are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I
'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention

to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate."

The old guy says,

"Well, maybe I can help you find her...

what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,

with red hair,

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,

long legs, and is

wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."

(ADORABLE)

*********************

(And this final one especially for me,)

"Lord,

keep Your arm around my shoulder

and Your hand over my mouth!"

OV-1D · October-07-14 13:10

Thanks again Bud , fine reading .