A few new laughs .

[OV-1D]

 Heres some of the latest funnies .

[OV-1D]

 A few more .

[bud]

>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>     MY BOOK REPORT
>>>     
>>>     <mime-attachment.jpg>
>>>     Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
>>>     cid:814F44C1208E453DAECCF69DC25420BE@ACERPC
>>>      One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
>>>     
>>>      His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
>>>     Titanic: Cost - $29.99
>>>     Clinton : Cost - $29.99
>>>     Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
>>>     Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
>>>     Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.       Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
>>>     Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
>>>     Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
>>>     Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
>>>     Clinton : Ditto for Bill
>>>     Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
>>>     Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
>>>     Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
>>>     Clinton : Let's not go there.
>>>      Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery. 
>>>     Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
>>>      Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
>>>     Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.
>>>     Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
>>>     Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
>>>     Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
>>>     Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
>>>     
>>>
>>
>>
>>
>

[Uncle_Lee]

Serious question.
Why is it that when something goes bad, it is referred to as "Going South" or "Went South"??
Is there something bad down that way??

Don't get offended...
It is just a question that hit me while watching TV last night....

[MR_22]

I've always thought that "going south" was a reference to the Civil War, when people in the North headed South to join the cause of the Confederacy. That would indeed be considered a bad thing, don't you think? At least if you were a Yankee and saw your friends or family support the cause of the enemy. I'm not sure if that's right, as it's just a guess on my part, but at least it makes sense.

BTW, my Great-Great-Great Grandpa Brown had his head blown off by a cannon ball during the Battle of the Kennesaw Mountain in Georgia while fighting for the South. He would probably consider being there at the time to be a bad thing.

On the other hand, south is down, and when things go down, that's usually bad. North is up, so that's good. Who knows, tho?

[RogueTS1]

I think it has to do with the reference to stock prices. Going up is a good thing while going down is a bad thing.

[bud]

Message From Her Majesty



As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus.  The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances & subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire & commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings & needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty & needs with you.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas & I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets & gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding & I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting.

So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening & sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.

Queen Hilarity Rodham Clinton


PUKE!!!



    Download

[Uncle_Lee]

Idiot sightings

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".       
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.   

IDIOT SIGHTING       
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side.       '       
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS   

IDIOT SIGHTING   
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.   

IDIOT SIGHTING   
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.       

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE   
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.   
From Kansas City   

IDIOT SIGHTING   
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.       


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.       
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'       
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS   

IDIOT SIGHTING   
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.   

IDIOT SIGHTING       
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.   


IDIOT SIGHTING   
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in           Kansas City   , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.   
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.       

STAY ALERT!    They walk among us......and they       VOTE and have babies.   

For all of us who are seniors...   
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!

(some of the senior members will remember Chopprs and others talking to me about Depends.) 

[glenn]

Fun - ee stuff right there Uncle dash Lee !!!
Da dash don't be silent ............

[OV-1D]

 Way too much Unc thanks I particularly like the dash one and of course the last butt that Depends . Ha ha ha .